Who is to Blame?
Today was one of those mornings. I was running behind and my kids were not interested in making things easier. Turns out, yelling at your kids to hurry up does not, in fact, make them move faster. One kid was moving like a sloth and the other turned breakfast into a hostage situation because she was not the first one down the stairs (which apparently was emotionally distressing). Finally, we were almost ready to go when one of them said the phrase dreaded by every late parent: I have to poop. By the time we got out the door, I knew it would take a miracle for us to make it in time for the car line drop off for preschool. I was still in my pajamas, with wet hair and no makeup, and I really didn’t want to be that mom who didn’t have her crap together. We got stuck behind a line of cars at a stop sign, and as I watched the time slip away I felt my frustration rising. I was mad at my kids and all the cars in front of me. We did not make it in time, which meant I had to do the walk of shame. When I finally got back to the security of my now quiet car, I thought, this was NOT how I wanted to start my day.
As I drove away, I knew I was emotionally flooded (thanks for the tip-off, elevated heart rate), so I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself that everyone has days like this. Then I started to think about what went wrong. I believe in getting to the root of the problem, because that is where solutions are found and real change can occur. It sounds good until you dig down deep enough and realize that you are the problem.
I once heard someone say that you need to ask yourself “why?” seven times in order to get to the real issue. Let’s give this a try with my scenario: I was frustrated with my kids.
Why? They made us late.
Why? They were moving so slowly, it was ridiculous!
Why? Maybe they were not feeling loved and heard.
Why? Because I tried to rush them by yelling and then downplayed their feelings.
Why? Because I didn’t want to be late!
Why? Because I didn’t want to get out of the car!
Why? Because I got up a little late myself and wasn’t presentable.
Now we are getting somewhere. See how I shifted from “they” (blaming others) to “I”? Let’s also not gloss over the fact that ultimately, we were running late because I was running late. But running late itself was not what caused me to be so mad…it was my pride. I didn’t want anyone to see me in my pajamas not looking pulled together. What would people think?! Double whammy – not only was I prideful about keeping up appearances, but also prideful in assuming that other people would be busy thinking about me instead of focused on their own morning. Ugh.
While I am over here unpacking my pride issues, here is my challenge for you. When you find yourself mad or frustrated about something, stop and consider what role you played in it before you assign full blame to someone else. Ask lots of why questions to help get to the core. Trust me, it is not fun to look in the mirror to assign blame when things don’t go well, but you will stand a better chance of growing if you are willing to dig deep to find out what is really behind it. For myself, I know this is not the last time I will have one of those mornings, but maybe next time it will come with a little less yelling and a lot more compassion (for myself and others) when I check my pride at the door.