Dealing with Disappointment

Have you ever wanted something so badly, only to find that it was not all that you thought it would be when you finally got it?  Or have you ever worked really hard for something, only to not be able to see it through?  These scenarios are not failures…they are disappointments.  Disappointments come in many varieties: failed relationships, cancelled plans, broken promises, a change of mind, unmet expectations…you get the idea.  In a way, disappointment is worse than failure.  At least with failure, you can point to something that went wrong, learn from it, and move on.  There might not be a “something that went wrong” when it comes to disappointment.  You could do everything right and still be disappointed, which actually kind of sucks.  It sucks because there is no lesson to be had.  No thing to do differently next time, or way you could prevent it from happening again.  You are just kind of left to deal with the emotional aftermath.

I was recently faced with a disappointment of my own.  I spent months training to run a half marathon race, but came down with a flu/cold combo that knocked me out the week before the race and made me too weak to run.  I had planned to run with a friend, so not only was I disappointed for myself, but I also let her down by not being there.  Honestly, I was mad.  All of that hard work – the early morning runs, the physical demands of long-distance running, and the sacrifice of time spent with my family – for nothing.  No race, no finish line, no medal.  I tried to remind myself that I had a lot to be proud of, but all I could think about was that cheesy saying about life being more about the journey than the destination, and that was just a bunch of crap.  Yes, I worked hard and I should be proud of myself.  Had I been feeling well, I would have run and I would have crushed it.  But I didn’t get to finish what I worked so hard to accomplish, and so I was left just…hanging.

I’ve been thinking a lot about disappointment since not finishing my race.  What I’ve come to realize is that we all have this longing inside of us, which looks a lot like finishing what we started, achieving a goal, landing that dream job, finding that person who makes you feel whole, or getting that thing that you really, really want.  If we could just have all of that, then we would be happy…right?  I’m not suggesting that nothing should ever go wrong…but it would be nice if the bad parts were just potholes and not roadblocks.  And when something doesn’t go our way, it would be great if in a day or two we would be notified as to the greater purpose behind the deviation from plan.  For example, had someone told me that I was sick and could not run because, had I run, I would have twisted my ankle and been badly hurt, well I would have been pretty happy about not being able to run.  But it usually doesn’t work that way. Sometimes despite our best efforts, we simply cannot find a silver lining.  And more often than not, it is the people who seem to have it all (the job, the relationship, the perfect family, etc.) who are actually the most unhappy or unfulfilled.  Why is that?  Because what we long for on this earth is never enough. 

What are we left with, then?  Should we stop trying?  Of course not.  Pick yourself back up and do it again!  There is no guarantee that it will work this time around, but it is guaranteed not to work if you do not try.  And for that ever-present longing?  You can use it to push you toward your version of success, or you can practice the art of contentment.  Contentment does not mean that you stop trying to do more or better, but that you learn to appreciate and savor what you do have.  It also means that you can find joy (which is different from the fleeting emotion of happiness) in the little things, the big things, and even in the midst of the hard things. 

I struggled with how to end this post, because everything in me said that there should be a positive ending or a better solution. Real life just doesn’t work that way, though. I thought about how I coach my children when they are faced with disappointment. I encourage them to focus on the possibility of next time instead of wallowing in self-pity. I see their character develop when they resolve to try again. Now it is time for me to take my own advice. I can feel sorry for myself, or I can try again. I can wallow, or I can focus on possibility. I choose to run. See you at the finish line!