Things Are Not Always What They Seem

Things are not always what they seem.  This is both a blessing and curse.  It allows me to move about this life, looking like I have my crap pulled together, and to function as a human in a society run by a set of social rules and expectations.  But in so doing I wear a mask.  I carefully apply the make-up (both literally and figuratively) that gives me the appearance I want to have to everyone else.  I can even get pretty good at convincing myself that I have it together.  But do I? 

I’m currently reading a book called Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald, where he argues that each person has two worlds: the public world, and the private world.  The public world is what people see.  It’s the carefully curated social media feed.  It’s the time I spend getting ready in the morning so that I feel good about myself, but also that others would think favorably of me based on my appearance.  It’s the car I drive and the flowers in my front yard.  It’s my family showing up to church on the weekend with smiles on our faces.  It’s the confidence I am careful to project when meeting someone new.  And then there is my private world.  Very few people get to see into my private world.  The people who live in my house get to see the real, unfiltered me.  But beyond that, there are precious few that I allow in – at least, allow to see it all.  Sure, I have friends and other family members that I am close to, but how many of them have I permitted to see into my fears, hopes, and dreams?  What about places where I have failed or been wounded?  It is risky and frankly not convenient to let everyone in.  It would take more explaining that I care to offer, so I hold back the parts that most people do not need to know.  It’s easier that way, and honestly, I am okay with that.  Not everyone has earned the right to see into those vulnerable places, and not everyone is ready to receive it.  We can now commence today’s socially acceptable lying.  How are you doing?  Fine, thank you. 

People are like icebergs.  You might be thinking frigid, and there are certainly some people like that.  But what I meant was that there is only a small portion of us, the public world, that is above the surface.  The vast majority lies beneath, in the place unseen by almost everyone else…in your private world.  You might be thinking that I am going to try to convince you to open up and be willing to share more of your private world.  There is a time and a place for that – vulnerability can be extremely freeing.  But that is not my message for you today.  No, what I want for you, and for myself, is to remember that each and every person we see has so much more that lies underneath the surface that drives their thoughts, behaviors, and words.  It’s not hard to agree with that statement, but it is freakin’ hard to remember it when someone doesn’t meet your expectations.  I know myself pretty well.  I know what I like, how I am feeling, what scares or worries me, and what I want.  I know myself so well, that I use myself as the filter through which I view everything else.  Pretty ego-centric, but we all do it so I guess I am in good company.  When someone does something that strikes me as rude, or weird, or annoying – it is only so because in my world that kind of behavior is classified as rude, weird, or annoying.  In that person’s world, they have a damn good reason for behaving the way they did, and it probably has something to do with their private world, which I cannot see, by the way. 

I am going through a season of significant and at times unsettling change.  It’s not all bad, but for the past several weeks I feel as if I have not quite gotten my bearings.  Things will settle down and life will move forward, I am certain of that.  But in the midst of this season, I still go about pulling myself together and conducting myself as if I know what I am doing.  Someone recently asked me, so how are you doing, and when I opened up about the craziness of life right now, her mouth hung open.  It wasn’t so much the things that were happening, but rather that you would not know it just by looking at me.  And guess what?  I would not know that you were going through something major just by looking at you (unless you put it out there for me to see).  I recently saw another friend and spent the majority of our time together talking about myself and my crazy season of life.  Toward the end of our conversation, I asked how he was doing.  With a smile on his face, he said, “Shitty.”  I wince thinking about my self-centeredness, and that had I not stopped to ask that question (almost as an afterthought, mind you), I would have had no idea. 

Here is my word for you today: GRACE. Give grace to the people around you. I once heard it said, grace is most often needed when it is least often deserved. The next time someone rubs you the wrong way, give grace and remember – there is so much more to that person that lies underneath the surface. You do that for me, and I will do it for you, okay? We don’t have to put our crazy on display for all to see, but we can offer a little more compassion and kindness when someone doesn’t live up to our expectations. It starts today, and it starts with me.