I'm not being defensive!
You know what is really annoying? When you ask a good question or give some sincere feedback, and the person on the receiving end claps back with a defensive argument to prove you wrong. I mean, who does that? Not you and me, of course – it’s all those other people, right?
Joking aside, I was recently on the receiving end of a defensive response. I found myself judging that person for their defensiveness and insulted that they did not apparently appreciate the wisdom behind my well-worded question…until I had my own bout with defensiveness. Someone gave me feedback, and my first response was to bristle and go into self-protect mode. I am not saying I get this right every time, but thankfully in that moment I recognized the defensiveness in myself and was able to set it aside to focus on the feedback (which was really good feedback, by the way).
There is so much to learn about how to respond to defensiveness – both when someone throws it your way and when you find yourself reacting defensively. I’ll share what I have learned so far…
When someone reacts defensively
When someone throws defense your way, you get to choose your response. As far as I can see, there are three options:
Respond in kind – double down and throw some shade right back at them. For effect, raise your voice or throw an insult or two. This response is the easiest and most common, but has the worst payoff.
Diffuse it – go into Zen mode and respond with a calm, soothing voice designed to diffuse the defense bomb they just threw your way. This requires some serious intentionality – pretty much no one defaults to this response mode naturally.
Do nothing – Sometimes no response is the best thing you can do. It’s tricky with defensiveness, though – it may be unproductive to allow the other person to barricade themselves into a self-protection fortress.
It’s hopefully obvious that throwing it back in their face is not the best practice, but it takes wisdom to know when to lean in and when to walk away. Defensiveness is a protection mechanism fueled by pride. We don’t like to be wrong, so we justify our behavior, words, or decisions rather than listening to what was said. Knowing that this is human nature, your best attempt to minimize defensiveness in others starts before you open your mouth to give that feedback.
First, examine your motives – are you speaking up for the right reasons, and does this feedback really matter? If you look deep down and find that your motives are sketchy or that you are nit-picking, then let that serve as a great big stop sign. If your feedback truly is worth sharing, then think about what you can do to set it up to be as well-received as possible. The tone of your message is critical, so if the feedback is sensitive then consider delivering it in person instead of over email. Use “how” and “what” questions over “why,” as the word why automatically positions the other person to explain and defend themselves. (Read more on this in the book Never Split the Difference, by Chris Voss.) Invite the other person to partner with you to solve the problem instead of just pointing out their flaws and walking away. Showing that you care and will walk with them through it is one of the best ways to calm the pride reflex.
Of course, you can do everything right and they still may refuse to listen. There are old proverbs that say a gentle word turns away anger, but also that you should not argue with a fool. (Literally, these are in Proverbs – 15:1, and 26:4.) You won’t get it right 100% of the time, but your success rate will be much higher when you consider your motives, set the conversation up for success, and do not respond in kind if defensiveness occurs.
When you react defensively
Alright, now to deal with the hard part – when you find yourself responding defensively. One of the best things I have learned about defensiveness is to let it serve as a trigger that there may be some truth to what the other person is saying. (I’m pretty sure that tidbit came from leadership expert Craig Groeschel.) Learning to recognize the defensive feeling allows you to choose what to do with it, instead of responding reflexively and probably, poorly. But before we talk about how to respond when you find yourself feeling defensive, let’s cover what not to do:
Another gem from author Chris Voss is to never put your “but” in someone else’s face. Avoid phrases like “Yeah, but…” or “I’m sorry, but…” that cheapen whatever words that follow.
Don’t deflect their feedback by opening a new can of worms. Deal with one thing at a time. If you have something else to bring up, do it after the first piece has been settled.
Anyone who knows me knows that sarcasm is my primary love language, but this is one of those times when it simply does not help. Choose your words and your tone wisely, avoiding snarky comebacks, profanity, or anything else you might say (or yell) for emphasis.
Don’t use the other person’s delivery method as an excuse to respond in kind. They gave you mean-spirited “feedback”? That does not give you permission to be mean-spirited back.
I get it, it’s annoying. You have to be the bigger person, and that kind of sucks. But you have to decide – do you want to be right, or do you want a relationship? Maybe you don’t want a relationship with the person who triggered your defense response, but you may want a relationship with the people who are watching how you respond. Your words and actions matter, and each choice you make is a drop in the bucket of the type of person you want to be. Author Bob Goss said, “Burning down others’ opinions doesn’t make us right; it makes us arsonists.” The choice is yours.
So hopefully you are hanging with me and willing to dig into your defensiveness. Here are some things you can do when you notice that feeling rising up:
Pay attention to how your body is responding. Is your heart rate elevated, your mind racing, or your breath shorter? Take a deep breath and slow things down. If you can, it may even help to take a break for a few minutes. You will respond much better if you are thinking clearly and not flooded with adrenaline.
View all feedback as a gift. Someone was willing to share something with you rather than silently stew on it or tell everyone else but you. While they may or may not have delivered the feedback eloquently, it is a gift that they are talking. If you can do it sincerely, thank them for the feedback.
If you have time to reflect, think about why the feedback is getting a rise out of you. What nerve did they hit, and why did it hurt so bad? Keep asking why questions (experts recommend asking why up to 7 times) until you get to the root issue. Hint: it is likely tied in some way to fear or pride, or maybe both. Dissecting the emotional response will help you see it more clearly and to better receive the feedback.
Learn to sort the bad from the good. Not all feedback is created equal, so the best way to tell the difference is to look at the relationship you have with the other person. Do they usually have your best interests at heart? If so, then try to look past any flaws in their delivery to hear the nuggets of truth in what they are saying. Even if you question their motives, there may still be truth in what they said, so it may be helpful to get a second opinion. Either way, you are learning things about the giver of the feedback, so the interaction can still be informative even if the feedback is crap.
I have a six-year-old daughter who is learning how to regulate her emotions and respond appropriately to situations that trigger negative emotions. (That was a kind way of saying that I am trying to teach her how not to be a tiny jerk.) I often remind her, “you are in control of your big feelings.” That’s all well and good until I have to take my own advice. It’s true, though – I get to choose how I respond to defensiveness. It starts with recognizing it before you respond reflexively, and then having the self-control to choose the right response. LOTS of self-control. I certainly haven’t mastered this yet (my husband can confirm this), but I can tell you it gets easier with practice. Now it’s your turn to decide what kind of person you want to be. The choice is yours!