New Year, New You?

Don’t you love a good fresh start?  There is something about a new day/week/year that is full of possibility and hope and let’s be honest, we could all use a bit more of those things right now.  With the flip of the calendar, you may find yourself setting intentions, crafting goals, or making resolutions that point to the vision of a better future.  Yes, you know what you want and where you want to go!  And because you are smart, you know that vision alone is not going to get you there.

Of course, you need a plan!  Let’s say your vision entails losing weight, starting on Monday.  (Because who ever starts that on a Tuesday?)  You set the alarm a little early, wake up and wonder why you set the alarm so early, remember the plan, and dutifully go do your workout.  Tomorrow, you do the same thing.  You are killing it in the goal department!  The day after that, you can’t resist the snooze button, but it’s okay – after all, you had two great days in a row, and you’ll get right back at it tomorrow!  The next morning, you wake up and think, this was a dumb goal and I’m going back to sleep.  (A la comedian Jim Gaffigan’s hilarious bit about going to the gym.)  How ever your scenario plays out, chances are good that eventually you will fall back into old habits with a vision that is now sparking a healthy dose of guilt or shame instead of possibility and hope.  Sound familiar?

Why do we do that to ourselves?  One day we decide we do not like where things are headed, but it’s so stinking easy for the best of intentions fall by the wayside.  James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, explains that our outcomes are the summation of lots of little decisions made over time.  Following the weight loss example, if I am not happy with my weight, it’s not like it got that way overnight.  Rather, it is the sum of my eating decisions and my level of physical activity over a long period of time (not to mention my slowing metabolism, but that is beside the point).  I’m no dummy – I know that my ice cream habit and skipping workouts will not improve my weight.  So then why would I ever choose those things?  As Clear further explains, indulging in a “bad” habit usually feels good right now, whereas the act of abstaining from it is hard now and pays off later if done consistently.  In order to improve my outcome, I have to choose the thing that is hard now and I have to commit to it over time, despite not seeing immediate results.  (Although, it would be pretty amazing if I could drop five pounds simply by declining one bowl of ice cream!) 

Something has to happen in your brain in order for you to make that hard decision again and again.  First you have to recognize the need and then you must convince yourself that the pain is worth it.  Sometimes it is a wake-up call that opens your eyes, such as getting bad news from a doctor, or a loved one who drops a bombshell that causes your world to come crashing down.  Suddenly, you are jolted into reality and forced to make drastic changes or else.  Other times, it is something more benign like the flip of a calendar that motivates us to think about change…but is that enough? 

Clear explains that your identity has to be in alignment with your desired outcome in order for it to stick.  This is where most of us tend to fall off the rails, myself included.  When I look in the mirror, there is a mental reel that plays in my mind and shapes what I think about myself.   To be honest, it is usually not very kind.  It’s healthy to be realistic, otherwise we would never be motivated to change.  But what standard are we using as the frame of reference for reality?

I’ve learned enough to know that I shouldn’t compare myself to others.  Take that, social media!  But I do something equally dangerous instead – I compare the current version of myself to the “perfect” version of me.  I read about this concept in a book, but cannot remember which author to attribute it to – if you know, please share!  The author called the perfect version of yourself “super me.”  The only problem is, super me doesn’t exist.  I may be crushing it in one or two areas of life, but will never attain perfection in all areas, especially not at the same time.  Then when I look in the mirror and super me is not there in the reflection, the mental reel kicks in and reminds me of the many ways I am not enough. 

You may be thinking that I am going to share a hokey inspirational message to love and accept yourself just the way you are.  I’m all for being kind to yourself (I have some work to do in that area!), but change and establishing healthier habits are also good things.  So before you embark on a change, the question must be asked – why do you want to change?  If your motivation is to be super you or to be the person you think other people want you to be, then you will fail every time.  Instead, start by thinking about what kind of person you want to be, and then examine how your actions line up with that vision.  Where there are gaps, don’t try to be super you.  How about “marginally better you” instead?  Clear argues this is actually not a bad strategy.  Aim to get 1% better at whatever the thing is, and over time, those 1% improvements add up. 

This year, I am going to let my identity drive my mental reel and my actions, not an unrealistic goal to be super me.  I think I will start by eating 1% less ice cream today.  Who’s with me?