Varsity-Level Tips for Accepting Feedback

Have you ever asked someone for feedback and then been insulted when they actually gave you some? I have. Feedback is one of those things that everyone says we should have, but very few actually enjoy getting. Unless the feedback is that I am awesome and my work is too, in which case, keep it coming.

Here’s another fun question – have you ever noticed how it is easier to accept feedback from some people more than others? Why is that? I have found two factors that impact my ability to accept critique: delivery method and how much I like you. If you tell me my work is garbage, I will probably have a harder time listening to why, even if you are right. If I ask you for a quick opinion and you give me a novel outlining all of my flaws, I will immediately put it down and never want to pick it back up again. If you do not give me chocolate or compliments in between each criticism, I will definitely be offended.

Delivery method obviously matters, but the even bigger factor is how much I like you. Feedback from my BFF? She clearly has my best interests at heart. Feedback from that obnoxious person at work whose voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard? I stop listening the moment she opens her mouth. My mind is already made up that nothing she says will be of any value. You can also substitute the words trust or respect in for like. If I don’t trust or respect you, I will have a harder time accepting feedback from you, even if what you have to say is right.

Obviously, there are times that someone will give feedback with the intent to hurt or tear you down, but even in those moments there may still be some truth buried within their crappy motives. The sweetest revenge would be for you to gain something positive from what they intended for harm. When you humbly recognize that you can learn from anyone, even people who are turds, you will grow faster than you ever could have by thinking you have all the answers.

So, are you ready to up your feedback receiving game? Here are some tips to help you achieve varsity-level status:

If you are asking for feedback, ask the right person – Choose someone who will not just tell you that you are awesome, but is truly interested in helping you improve and willing to be constructive.

Seek feedback early – If you wait until you have invested hours or weeks of time in a project before you ask anyone’s opinion, it will be that much harder to edit or change course when they think of something that you did not. I’m pretty sure there is a scientific law that states that the amount of pride and insult you feel directly corresponds to the amount of time you have put in. Save yourself the trouble and get input before you have gone too far. This doesn’t mean that someone has to review your work in great detail every step of the way, but talk about your ideas and see if it prompts any thoughts or questions that you may not have considered.

Don’t be offended when someone actually gives you feedback – “What?! My first draft is not a literary masterpiece, requiring absolutely no edits?!” This is an actual thought that has gone through my head. I just assume that because I did something, it is genius and everyone is going to love it. Never mind the fact that anyone who is great at anything became that way through hard work and continually pushing themselves to improve. That obviously does not apply to my special kind of awesome. (Insert eyeroll here.)

Remember that feedback is an opinion – You do not have to accept every edit that someone suggests. Unless that person is your boss, in which case you should probably do it his or her way. For every person who tells you to do it this way, you can find someone else who will tell you to do it that way. The key is to think like your audience or customer – what will matter most to them? Then do it their way.

Put defensiveness to work – Defensiveness is a clue that there is probably some truth to what is being said. I don’t like to be wrong, so when someone challenges my right-ness, I naturally want to justify my work or behavior with something that usually sounds like an excuse. Or sometimes I go classy and throw it back in the other person’s face as to how they are actually worse at the thing they are giving me feedback on. Anything to not have to admit that they may be right and I may be wrong. Stupid pride. Look, I’m not saying it is easy, but if you can start to see your own defensiveness as a cue that you need to step back and listen, you will stand a chance of actually growing instead of always digging your feet in and refusing to be wrong.

Look for the nugget of truth – When feedback comes from someone you don’t like or is delivered like a hand grenade, be willing to look for the nugget of truth in what that person is saying. After you sulk a little bit, of course. It can be a tough pill to swallow, but would you rather be right (aka stubborn, prideful, etc.) or would you rather learn?

I wish I could say that I have mastered these tips, but the reality is that I struggle with them All. The. Time. I’m still dealing with this pesky problem of being human, and therefore prideful and imperfect. Since I don’t see that changing any time soon, I will settle for the next best thing – being aware of my pride and admitting that I do not walk on water. I literally just made a face after typing that sentence…ugh, maybe I have more work to do than I realize. Turns out, humility is the key to unlocking greatness. And practice. Lots of practice. And who says that you can’t practice the art of accepting feedback? That’s how you get varsity-level skills, after all!